Dickpics 101

Dickpics were certainly not part of my everyday life until I joined the online dating world. Yes, hard to believe I know!

Initially I was told that by a dear friend (who’s been in a relationship since forever) that guys who like to photograph and send pics of their genitalia must be somehow morally deficient or unhinged. Though this couch analysis did not sit comfortably with me, I accepted that some guys on dating sites were a little ‘out there’ and maybe a little too eager to get their gear off. (And to photograph their tackle and distribute it randomly).

I soon came to see it as commonplace and absolutely normal. By this, I mean ‘normal’ as defined by the context of this new world where many behaviours once considered abhorrent or borderline are now everyday.

Women have come to expect these behaviours and though we might bemoan that (and women have every right to object), women also contribute by photographing elements of their nakedness and using these images for titillation or connection. I don’t think it’s very helpful to judge, but I think it is useful to explore the behaviour and ponder some motivations.

 

“If you ever send me another pic of your dick I’ll give every goon I know your address and tell them you have 2 bikes and always carry cash. I’ll call your job and get the email of whatever woman is directly superior to you and I’ll forward your dick to her. I’ll print your dick on business cards with all your contact info and leave them in men’s restrooms. Just send one more pic and I’ll end you.”

Amanda Chatel asked nine men who admit to sending dick pics why they do it. The answers vary from pride, hoping for a compliment, hoping for some breasts or nakedness in return, thinking it would be an honour for her (seriously?), because he was asked for it, because he’s a guy and thought his dick would change the bad rep dicks have as visual objects of appeal, and because he assumed it would be erotic. (Amanda Chatel ‘9 Brave Guys Reveal the Reasons Why They Send Dick Pics’ Yourtango.com accessed 23 July 2017)

One guy was quoted as saying, “Now, as an older, rational man, I frown upon unsolicited dick pics because it’s just wrong, even if the only reason most men do it is because they hope you’ll show your tits in return. All that said, if a woman asks, it’s a request that should be fulfilled immediately because more often than not, it’s a test.” (A test of what, I wonder?)

David Ley explores from a psychologist’s point of view, what might be behind the modern-day phenomenon. “Men love the idea of receiving such pictures from strangers, and they assume women do too,” he says. “Men notoriously misperceive women’s sexual interest in them and project their own sexual interests and desires onto women. In this situation, men really are hoping and thinking that she’ll be turned on and send them a pic in response….Psychological research demonstrates that in anonymous environments, people, both men and women, engage in fairly casual sexual behaviors, including exhibitionism.” (David J Ley ‘This is why men send pics of their junk’ The Good Men Project February 2016)

Yes, I’ve noticed that too – and I myself would not expose my breasts in a public setting, and yet I might do so when requested online (if I like the guy). Partly, it’s about control and the importance of having agency. Ley goes on to say, “But, for some reason, whether biology, psychology or social suppression of female sexuality, women don’t enjoy this the way men do… One issue is that men just aren’t good at hearing or responding to, ‘No, we DON’T want to see that!’”

Dick Shaming

In Bustle online magazine, Suzannah Weiss says that the shaming of the dick pic has now gone too far. “The dick pic has come to represent the epitome of unethical behavior in texting and online interactions,” she says. “…This increased awareness could serve as an important jumping-off point to discuss why consent matters, not just in our face-to-face interactions, but also in our electronic communications, regardless of what body parts we possess.” (Suzannah Weiss ‘Why Dick Shaming Has Gone Too Far’ Bustle.com 11 Nov 2015)

While commenting on the viciousness with which women can publicly respond to videos or social media forums, Weiss also makes a valid point about treating others as you would wish to be treated. “Would we be OK with people openly criticizing the size, shape, color, or age of our vulvas? Men are already extremely critical of their penises, with more than half believing they are below average size. I’d imagine that hearing people shamed for the appearance of their penises would only make matters worse.”

Fair point, I think, if the photo in question was requested. But if it wasn’t?

I’m still not sure if the dick pic should be taken as a compliment, or whether I should be viewing it through a feminist or cultural analysis lens, but I have to admit now that I find it amusing and rather interesting.

The sheer variety of shapes, lengths, girths, sizes, colours and textures of penises is fascinating. I’ve learned a lot about the male member during this year or two – after all, when you’ve been in a monogamous arrangement for most of your life, you generally haven’t seen that many.

I do, however, agree with David Ley: “Beyond everything else, it’s just plain dumb. I actually agree with the feminist point of view on this. Maybe not sexual assault, but as much a sexual offense as exposing one’s self on the street to a busload of nuns. If he did it on the street, he’d be charged. On the internet, no? … think it is like everything else on the internet. People do it because they can get away with it…” Spot on!

But At Least Now I Know What I Like And What I Don’t Like

It’s taken a lot of penises to get to this point, and initially I didn’t like to look too closely as I found it somewhat disconcerting. If I’m really honest – though it might make me sound like a prude – I found it a tad embarrassing. It took a fair few images being thrust into my face before I became immune to the shock value and began develop my own dick aesthetic. I’ll never belong to the apparently sizeable group of women online who collect dickpics. I deleted my modest collection of a dozen or so not that long ago on the grounds that I’d lost interest in the guys to which these members belonged, and it was potentially uncomfortable to have them stored (concealed) on my phone.

On my journey I’ve discovered that some penises really do nothing for me, in fact I might even go as far as to say that unless I like the man, his dick won’t interest me. However, once I am firmly besotted with the man, intimate photos can be a real turn on. The qualifier here is ‘can be’ and this is because timing is everything.

If a total stranger online flashes you his dick, then that’s just rude. I used to see it as crass beyond measure. Because of the lack of immediate physical threat and the potential for attack such as rape, it’s clearly not the same as a ‘real life’ flasher. There is a similarity, however, that is uncomfortable and potentially disempowering for the viewee, especially if she has not been consulted before sending the image.

Most guys don’t consult, but over time as a deeper ‘relationship’ develops with chatting partners, many guys will ask first and if they don’t (and I like them) I will gently chastise them that it’s polite to ask a lady first before hitting ‘send’. After all, we can’t ‘unsee’ the image – and it may not leave a good impression!

Suzannah Weiss gets to the nub of the matter: “Plenty of people have solicited dick pics and plenty have sent them upon request. Yet a lot of writing about this issue hasn’t acknowledged that, possibly out of fear that admitting some people like dick pics would somehow mitigate the harm of sending unsolicited ones. We’ve conflated dick pics with the circumstances under which people sometimes send them. But those are two entirely separate issues, and we need to do a better job keeping these issues – dick pics and lack of consent – separate because one is a problem and one is not.”

But What Was It Like, That First Time, I Hear You Wonder?

That first time I saw a photo of someone’s erect penis flash onto my phone, with no warning or polite accompanying request (“care to see my dick?”).

It was on Skout, an app where inane banter and unwelcome dickpics are the norm. The first one or two were noteworthy because it was all new and a little surprising. I’d delete the thread and block the guy instantly.

I do remember one guy though; lonely, horny and equipped with the largest penis I have ever seen. It is no exaggeration to say that it was the length and width of my forearm. All I could do was stare in shock and wince.

I should add that rather than on actual dating sites, most sharing of genital images happens on chat apps such as kik, what’s app, viber, or snapchat. Moving to these apps is sometimes seen as an invitation to share explicit images and usually I let someone know that, by agreeing to move to a chat app, I am not giving them permission to do this. Those are my personal boundaries and you will have your own.

There is a sliding scale of acceptance of the dickpic, and the more I was exposed to them – even if it wasn’t every guy or every interaction – the more the behaviour was normalised. Indeed young women are very familiar with the sharing of images of the male member, if media reporting on sexting and mobile phone use among teens is anything to go by.

But although I’m talking about dickpics here, it’s worth mentioning that women don’t seem too shy about sending naked images either. One in five Australians singles are reported to have sent or received sexy photos, one in 10 of whom is over the age of 45 and 36% of singles say they’ve sent a sext, regardless of their age; 51% have received one. (Elyse Romano, ‘How Singles Use Technology in Dating’ www.datingsitesreviews.com 19 March 2013 and ‘Digital Love in Australia’ 17 January 2013)

Boobiepics (or even pussy pics!) are the female equivalent, and yet I’ve never yet heard a man complain about receiving these! In fact, I recently met up with a guy I’d been chatting to online and he mentioned that he’d been sent several uninvited boobiepics. With my researcher’s cap on, I asked if he minded. He grinned and said, “of course not”.

Maybe the essential difference is actually about men being largely visual creatures, whereas women are often turned on by words, behaviour and courtship, or physical presence, rather than just an image. This may all be a gross generalisation.

In order to fully examine this behaviour, we’d need to consider factors such as the societal gender power imbalances and attitudes that women’s bodies are for public consumption and that the male gaze has every right to linger on the physical attributes of any woman.

Again, Susannah Weiss makes a good point when she says, “With texting, Snapchat, and other technologies that make the sharing of images and words ubiquitous and possible with near-strangers, we need to talk about forms of harassment that can occur when two people aren’t even in the same room. This includes sexual language as well as images, and it counts whether that image is a picture of genitals or a shirtless selfie, and whether the subject of the photo is male or female.”

Consent is Everything

I’m not putting up my hand for any more research on the fractious topic of dick pics because for better or for worse, I’m immune to the dickpic, although I still consider it a basic courtesy for the guy to ask permission first.

I’ve said no a few times, but some guys are incredibly persistent (“But do you really want to see? Do you? I know you really want to see it!”). Short of saying “No, seeing your dick does not arouse me and make me want to bonk you instantly,” there seems to be little that would dissuade a determined sender.

This in itself is a significant point – the sending is for the benefit of the sender. The receiver’s reaction is largely unimportant. It is the very act of sharing such an intimate image – regardless of the viewer’s feelings about it – that turns on so many men.

Back to David Ley: “It’s probable that at least some of these men receive a sexual thrill at the idea of an unknown woman seeing their genitalia. It may be an aspect of exhibitionism, and some of these men probably masturbate as a part of the act, imagining that woman seeing the picture they sent. The fact that a woman rejects them for it is not salient, because for many such men, it is the woman’s disgust and rejection which is actually part of the turn-on.”

As I suspected all along! Suzannah Weiss agrees. “Some people send dick pics for their own pleasure without concern for what their partners want, and that’s not cool…But we shouldn’t condemn an entire activity just because some people do it without consent. Dick pics can be a lot of fun. I find it incredibly empowering to be the one lustfully gazing at someone else in a culture where women are stereotypically the ones looked at.” (Suzannah Weiss ‘I’m a feminist and I love a good dick pic’ xojane.com 30 September 2015)

Best to beware of the dickpic if you are venturing online. Be warned and draw your own conclusions!

PS Here’s a new article about the rise of the dickpic The Growing World of Anonymous Dickpic Appreciation Sites

 

 

My One Piece of Advice About Online Dating

There’s one piece of advice I’ll stand by here and that’s to ‘meet early, meet soon’.

If you meet the object of your desire within seven days – even if you have messaged 24/7 in the meantime – you’re limiting the potential for elevating them onto an unrealistic pedestal.

And that cuts both ways.

Being a disappointment to someone is surely one of my greatest fears, but neither do I care to waste hours, days, weeks or months of my life maintaining a false intimacy with someone who’s ultimately unsuitable.

I’ve learned this many times through hard-won experience. “You can do all the box-ticking, messaging and phoning you like, but real-world chemistry can very easily make it all irrelevant,” says Guardian columnist Stella Grey. (Stella Grey ‘From Oddballs To Indiana Jones: My Online Search For Love’ The Guardian Mid-Life Ex-Wife 2 April 2016)

Like me, you might be wondering whether meeting someone online is realistic for you. After a couple of years going on and off actively looking for a mate online, I still waver in my interest. But, as it was explained rather charmingly by Harmony May in Elephant Journal,Online dating seems to be the new way to go. Lives are busy and it eliminates the need to go out and be social in the real world playing a guessing game of who you are compatible with. You’re able to find people that you’re attracted to that have similar interests … before you even invest too much time… It can be a beautiful thing, if you do it right. But see… [there is the] possibility that expectations [will] develop before we even [meet].” (Harmony May ‘My Adventure in Online Dating’ Elephant Journal 3 December 2015)

Pandora’s Box

Some people already think that meeting people online is the new normal for relationships.

Statistically, although most singles have used a dating app, they don’t necessarily meet long-term partners this way. And this opens up a Pandora’s box of issues and concerns. I wonder how the current generation of teenagers will manage relationships in a world where sex is fast becoming a commodity, porn distorts reality and damages the sex drive and performance of young men, and where knowing how to attract a mate online is a more important life skill than being a decent person.

It might well be a world, according to Simon Sinek (author of Start with Why) without joy, without the deep fulfilment associated with … genuine, meaningful connection with our nearest and dearest. I truly hope not.

At my end of the age spectrum, Stella Grey says “online dating at 50 was much harder than I thought it would be. I was prepared for hard, but I wasn’t prepared for going down a rabbit hole to another land, or its perpetual magic realism.” (The Guardian, 2016)

There’s no denying that this simple change in the way we might meet people has big ramifications.

One example: a female friend of mine was asked on a dating site, “Are you fatter than you look in your photos?” This sort of impolite and direct question would not usually be asked in person. Granted, physical proximity would render it pointless, however, the glib rudeness, the sheer boldness or discourtesy is discomfortingly close to nasty hate speech or threats that people feel entitled to express to strangers because of their own relative anonymity.

There’s also the unspoken expectation that, often before you have even developed a sense of the other person, you’ll exchange nudie pics.

But It’s Not All Doom and Gloom

Meeting people online might sap your strength or make you wish you’d never been born. But, equally, it might fill your soul with happy juice and propel you into places you’ve never been before. There’s fun to be had, excitement to be hunted and pleasure and connection to be found in the most unlikely of places.

“We have become products of the online dating generation, which makes actual dating more difficult. We expect to know as much as possible about someone up front before we agree to spend time together, even if it is just over coffee…We approach dates with caution and scepticism. We shut down if there isn’t that instant spark of chemistry, instead of trying to get to know someone past the awkwardness of a first date.”

Kelly Seal offers good advice there for anyone in this confronting, confusing, disappointing, heart-breaking and funny world: “So on your next date, take your time. Engage. Try to be fully present. Put away your phone. Talk. Ask questions. Listen. Then see how online dating works for you.” (Kelly Seal ‘Do You Want To Give Up Online Dating?’ www.datingsitesreviews.com August 2015)