Repeating Mistakes – will I ever learn?

In the middle of my first year dating online, I came to an abrupt halt. I’d had a string of appalling sex dates, I’d been messed around, cat-fished and scammed (fortunately I got wise to it and didn’t lose a cent. That story will be in my book.) I’d fallen for someone wholly unsuitable, I’d lurched from one guy to another and eventually, I had to ask myself these questions.

What am I doing wrong? Am I being true to my core values, to myself? Should I be pretending to be someone I am not? Am I making the wrong choices?

These questions on an endless roll of repeat are running through my head at all hours of the day and night; when I’m washing the dishes, doing housework, zoning out at work, driving my long commute. But rarely, it’s keeping me awake at night. I think this is because instinctively, I know the answers.

Memo to me:
No, you are not making the wrong choices. You are making the right choices to learn. This is all about offering up a platter of experiences for you to pick and choose – and experience life. Life doesn’t always go smoothly. Life doesn’t always have an easy answer. Life isn’t predictable. And life doesn’t always give you orgasms. Sometimes life promises up great oral sex and lets you down like a deflating erection.

And that’s a pertinent analogy because right now I need to consider my choices in men, specifically, young men. Men who should know what they’re doing, and should have it all worked out by now – but who obviously don’t, and who clearly, haven’t.

And yet, here I find myself again experiencing the confusion and frustration of yet another unsatisfying sexual experience, yet another guy who promised the world and who did not deliver.

By now you must be thinking I’m a complete loser of a cougar, but bear with me because you might learn something, as I did. (And cougars come in all shapes and patterns!)

I approached Philip on Plenty of Fish. He was a late-twenties, smooth-faced rarity in that domain of crusty-sunburnt tradie-blokeyness (remember, I’m in Australia after all!) and I made sure to tell him so in my light and friendly first message.

I also mentioned that I was outside of his age preference but I wondered if he’d consider chatting to a friendly cougar, since I found him very lovely. He responded enthusiastically! I soon found out that he invested a lot in the idea of me fairly quickly.

The idea of a cougar obviously held some appeal, although I’m not sure why, since beyond that first interaction, age was only mentioned once. We switched to kik after chatting for a while and before a couple of days had passed, we had somehow arrived at faux emotional intimacy. So far, familiar territory.

This time I kept myself under control – I didn’t over-invest too soon, I didn’t reveal too much of my inner life. Although I liked Philip more each day, a part of me knew that it was the thrill of the chase, and the excitement of new intimacy that was propelling me forward.

And gosh-darn, it IS exciting to be talking to a cute and sexy young man at all hours of the day and night, even if the common and recurring theme was how much we fancied each other to bits. It certainly contrasted with the rest of my life, which was predictable in its child- and work-based peaks and troughs.

I didn’t hold back on the compliments and though Philip was initially reserved, before too long, he’d dissolved into outright lust and fascination. Of course it was flattering, and even more so considering the 20-year age difference.

Like so many other experiences, the lead-up to first meeting was sweet and intense.

I tried to catch my imagination and nip it in the bud and on the whole, I did that well. On first impression, I quelled the tendrils of disappointment when I realised that he was shorter than he’d said and that his bad teeth kind of ruined his sexy, full mouth. But I adjusted quickly to the subtle realities of face-to-face, and we talked easily and smoothly considering we were, in truth, two strangers who’d become weirdly connected in a completely unnatural way.

But who’s to say what’s natural anymore? It had become natural for me to reach out and connect with total strangers online – the hard part was translating that to the everyday.

We talked and smiled and found ourselves huddled close together under my umbrella in the warm drizzle. It won’t come as a surprise that I took the initiative and asked him for a kiss. Soon we were kissing passionately and by that time, I’d awakened the beast and realised that he was no shrinking violet or nerdy shy boy.

He was a voracious animal who wanted to have his way then and there in the Botanic Gardens! My body seemed to naturally curve to his and it was the same sweet ache of denial that ran as an undercurrent the whole day.

After several hours of wandering – and wandering hands and mouths – my curfew arrived. I extricated myself from his determined embrace, and while I drove home, I decided that I needed to slow things down and not make the same mistakes I’d made in the past.

Go for the meaningful, genuine relationship (as defined by the two of us).

I put that to him later that night and he wholeheartedly agreed. I hadn’t mentioned polyamory yet because I wasn’t sure of his reaction after such a short period of getting to know each other. I wasn’t chatting to anyone else at that point though, so I was invested in the concept of it working between us in the short term. Everything with younger men was always in the short term. I didn’t want to look beyond the now. I wanted to live in the moment.

Asian food

We met again the following week in the city for lunch on one of my work days. It was a long train ride from the outer sticks for Philip and I appreciated the effort, although when I saw him in my domain, it brought home how unworldly he was. Growing up in the country until just a couple of years before, he’d never even tried Asian food, and that just blew my mind.

A week later, the tension was raised to fever-pitch as we messaged constantly. We shared our thoughts, stories and goals as well as the minutiae of daily life – what we’d eaten for dinner, how his takeaway shop shift had gone, whether my kids were giving me grief.

Because I was wiser and aware of my own predisposition for fantasy-absorption, I continued to restrain myself. But we both discussed wanting something ‘more’ with each other – yes to sex and yes to soon – but it would be the beginning of something deeper.

In the lead-up to the third date, the pressure was cranked. At my house for the first time, he was affectionate and tactile, but clearly nervous. I got the sense very early on that under the surface, Philip was a bubbling, boiling mess and that something in me, maybe something I didn’t even know about, was driving him crazy.

We were cuddling on my couch talking, looking into each other’s eyes when it first happened: a fleeting epileptic seizure.

He’d told me about his ailments – epilepsy and rheumatoid arthritis – both serious health conditions but he’d assured me that he had them under control. As I wasn’t planning marriage with him, I took that in my stride, but after that first quick seizure, I was surprised.

Then there was a second, third, a fourth – all in different locations in my house and each of varying duration but each no longer than a few seconds. During the fifth when we were standing up, kissing, in my bedroom and were just about to move to the bed, he almost broke my teeth with the intensity of the seizure. He was embarrassed but determined to move things forward. I sensed he wouldn’t appreciate me making a fuss.

It was a big turn on that he found me so desirable. He was fascinated by my breasts and when he told me that I definitely did not look my age, I gave a sly inward chuckle (considering I was almost a decade older than he thought I was). Time passed in a blur of kissing and caressing and by the time we had peeled and pushed each other’s clothes off, I almost decided against the condom discussion. My better judgement took over and we agreed that it was necessary.

Our fragmented conversation then turned to why I had a packet of condoms in my top drawer and how many times they’d been used since I’d been single.

I was uncomfortable with this line of questioning and, in hindsight, I should have steered the topic away. I dodged specifics and told him that it was around a dozen at that time. In truth, I couldn’t remember how many because the number was not important to me.

They were all individuals. Each had filled me with the promise of satisfaction and some sort of future beyond that. But every time they’d let me down.

Here I was, poised on the edge of great sex with a well-endowed man who seemed to have no trouble with his erection.

Until the point where he stopped playing with my bits and climbed on top of me.

I have to confess that I adore being penetrated. The first moments are blissful and fulfilling and even if I don’t reach orgasm, penetration-only sex can be amazing. However, the one prerequisite for satisfying penetrative sex is a good strong erection.

Everything was going swimmingly – we were working together, our bodies in harmony – and then, pfffft, nothing. It was all over and he rolled off me, ashamed.

I lay there utterly perplexed. It had lasted less than a few minutes. There didn’t seem to be a climax, just a slow deflation and a sudden end. I was shocked and confused. It had happened to me again! What the almighty fuck?!

There was no clear thought in my head; there was only a racing pulse of blood and a rising lust for satiation. We talked and kissed some more and soon he was ready to give it another go. I switched position, feeling the eye-closing ecstasy of penetration again as I straddled him. Philip rubbed his face between my breasts.

I won’t even describe what happened next – let’s just say a repeat performance – or a distinct lack of. Anti-climax is the word.

After that we talked and kissed some more and I tried to subdue the rising tide of injustice. He called me a randy school-girl and maybe I was. In some ways, I fitted that stereotype but in truth, I was a deeply unsatisfied mature woman who had every right to expect some level of mutual pleasure.

What about all his talk of pleasing me and how much he loved giving pleasure? Another guy who was all talk?

We did discuss it in a roundabout sort of way. Philip indicated that it was not the first time and that every man – if he’s honest – has some degree of performance anxiety. And then told me the story of his previous and only three liaisons since being single for the past two years.

After sex, they had refused to respond to his calls and had cut things dead with him. I didn’t ask whether he’d done the same to them but the implication was there. I couldn’t help myself from thinking, no wonder!

It was time for Philip to leave. Ever since the ‘deflation’ he’d been focused on getting to work on time. I stood in the front doorway in my Chinese silk dressing gown and waved him goodbye.

After a record in non-communication of two days, I texted him. I couldn’t bear being ghosted or ignored. He texted back straight away, explaining that he needed to think things through. After another four days of silence I sent him a longer message that voiced a fraction of my complicated feelings in the most gracious and forgiving way I could manage. He didn’t reply.

I moved onto the next experience, the next guy and the next disappointment. In truth, my hope sprung eternal that I would one day find a man or two who’d be a good fit for me, and be willing to consider me as a sexual equal and not as an object from which they could take their pleasure.

The lack of reciprocity was really starting to get me down, but I was resilient – and still addicted to the online dating game of endless new faces and new possibilities.

About six months later, Philip messaged me to say that he wanted to ‘rekindle’ our spark. Cue eye roll. Can this ever be a good thing?

He’d sorted out his life and wondered if it was too late to apologise. I said I didn’t know whether I was up for anything but I was prepared to be friendly. We chatted for a few days but I found it awkward and false. After only a short time I stopped responding and he disappeared – again.

A Strange Turn of Events

This is a special and unusual reblog. Meet Rex – he’s a relatively new blogger and he’s on one helluva journey of self-discovery. His story is riveting, frank and engaging, seemingly without effort. He’s a naturally gifted writer and I’ve just adored following his journey. There’s a twist, but I’ll allow you to discover that. Read on if you dare….to enjoy the tale of Rex’s cougar!

jacuzzi

A week ago I had a fascinating encounter with one of my neighbours.

Some background required. My wife and I moved into a standalone house in our little cul de sac about 7 years ago, after 5 years of isolated city apartment living. A year later, she fell sick with cancer. The disease was a slow descent into hell for both of us. Months of suffering and treatments followed by weeks of relative calm and reprieve.

In amongst all the hospital visits and trying to deal with the mundane, we made close friends with every one of our lovely neighbours. They baked. They sat with my wife and held her hand, they grocery shopped. They laughed and cried with us. We got drunk together. They became our second family.

They have kept me close over the past 4 years. Sometimes it has been overwhelming and almost embarrassing, so generous has been their genuine care. Over recent months I have begun to spread my wings a little as you have read in my blog posts, but I have not abandoned my cul de sac family.

An opportunity has arisen for me to give back. Two years ago, the neighbour at No 3, I’ll call her Naomi, lost her husband. We all gathered around as we always do, and our support has been ongoing for her. Naomi is reserved and quite introverted, preferring to stay independent. But rarely have I been allowed to walk past her driveway without an exchange and a hug.

So I was shocked the other evening when we stopped to talk and as I gave her a hug, she burst into tears. Initially, I held just her in the driveway. But I sensed this wasn’t just a short event and I walked her inside, sat beside her, and enfolded her in my arms. Not a word was exchanged. Somehow none was required. We sat there for I guess an hour as she sobbed and sobbed.

Eventually, she calmed. She told me that this was the first time she’d really let her emotions run free. We talked into the night, sharing our separate grief, and laughing and recalling many happy times as well.

At this point, I took a chance and as it was getting late, I shared a sliver of what I had been up to recently….hold on folks!!!…no, not THAT… just that I found massage and human touch very healing, Would she let me massage her neck and shoulders?

Expecting to be refused, I was surprised when she accepted gladly! I wondered if I’d done the right thing as it started the tears again, but gradually she was quiet. After a while we had a cuppa and with a promise to spend time together the next day I left her to head off to bed.

Somewhat stunned, I walked the few paces home and tried to sleep myself. But something strange had stirred inside me. There was an excitement. A feeling of deep connection with another human soul, and a freedom to explore more uncharted territory within and outside my personal bubble.

I’ve always had the feeling of being confined, like a river within two man-made banks of social convention and moral constriction. Safely and uneventfully, my life has meandered quietly and unobtrusively downstream towards its eventual arrival at the entrance to the great ocean, where we are all bound. And now, in the space of four months, the flow has expanded. The banks are no longer containing it. The river is cutting its own path downstream!

Naomi and I had a lovely lunch the following day and talked and talked. Tears flowed from both of us. To hold each other’s hands, hold eye contact and sense authenticity is a great blessing. I remember a wise person once said to me “it is more wonderful to be known than to know.”

She began to share her story with me. We so often assume we know someone because we live close by, chat occasionally and get social together. But we don’t.

As Teal Swan suggests, “we live behind the overlay of our lives. We don’t dare reveal the true self. If I tell you who I am, and you reject me that’s all I have and I’m bereft and gone.”

Well, Naomi began to peel back the layers one by one. Her marriage had been to a man who treated her very well; he was generous and kind, and a wonderful father. But, he had no interest in the sexual side of their relationship. She told me she could count on two hands the number of times they’d “engaged in intercourse” as she called it. My heart ached for her. Although my marriage hadn’t been perfect, it was certainly in another realm to hers.

In almost whispered, embarrassed tones she shared the emptiness she had endured, never daring to share this with even her own family and close friends. I fed her a glass or two of wine as we talked. It’s amazing, when we scratch beneath the surface, what hurts and bruises we all have and hide.

She and Les had often been to our place for meals but Les had always been averse to sharing our Jacuzzi. “Well… what about a soak in the hot tub Naomi?…wearing swimming costumes of course!” I asked. I normally don’t wear anything myself, and my yard is very private. She didn’t own ‘togs’ and so Naomi was happy to strip to her bra and knickers.

Another wine and I’m pretty sure that at one stage I heard gentle snoring in the dark from across the pool, although she assured me she was just very relaxed. The next stage was a massage. This was a beautiful thing to enjoy – caring for another vulnerable human being. I love touch. Feeling my energy flowing through my body into hers. I was aroused but I finished the massage and covered her with a warm towel.

I helped her off the table and into her robe. There was a peaceful silence between us, so relaxed and uninhibited. She told me she so enjoyed the massage. I was elated.

What a strange turn of events.

Editor’s Postscript:

In case you didn’t guess, Rex’s cougar, the stunning Naomi, is 80 years old. He’s 65 – well and truly into the toy-boy category!
Their unfolding relationship and sexual discovery is heart-warming, exciting and a cracking good tale. Head on over to their (now combined) blog at https://gristle1953.wordpress.com/ and start from the bottom. This piece has been edited with permission and is one of Rex’s first stories. I just adore these two!

PS – Naomi has started a blog so you can take a look at this stunning cougar and give her some love at The Merry Widow.